Sleep doesn't come easily these days. Tonight I lay awake, tossing and turning because:
A. My body can't rest. I can't seem to find a comfortable way to sleep with my shoulder. It always feels uncomfortable and painful when I try to sleep.
B. My mind can't rest. As much as I try to avoid it, at night my mind seems to wander to thoughts of the accident, and play over and over again the terrible moments of those days and weeks.
C. My heart can't find rest. It still feels like it's breaking every day.
Dozens of times a week people ask me how I'm doing, and to be honest I don't even know how to answer that. Even though the accident was almost 4 months ago, it still feels so fresh. Every night I still cry over what's happened. It's hard to see the world moving on and time passing, when I still feel like I'm stuck in the same place, in that one moment that changed everything. I usually love counting down to the Christmas season but this year, the ads on TV and decorations in the stores make me feel sick to my stomach. How can people be so happy at a time like this?
I told Doug tonight that I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm the empty shell of the person I used to be. Actually, even the outside shell of me isn't the same anymore! It feels like there are so many different things to deal with right now. Every day I still can't help but feel like the world is so empty without Nate in it. One moment I was sitting right behind him, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up to find out that he's gone. I can't wrap my mind around that. It's especially hard to process this and grieve, when I feel like I didn't get the chance to say goodbye with everyone else. I was trapped in the hospital while everyone else had the opportunity to mourn together. Also, as much as Caleb is a positive distraction at a time like this, I feel sick when I think about the events of his birth and how I'm going to tell him the story of his birth one day. The other night I stood over his crib and wept as I thought about the weekend he was born-- it was the worst one of my life. Honestly, no one was excited about his arrival at that time. Doug wasn't. I wasn't. We were in too much shock and pain, along with everyone else. I actually don't even remember his birth. Several weeks after the accident, I had to get Doug to tell me the story of our son's birth because I had no idea what happened those days. And also, I'm still trying to figure out how to get through life with a very different body. I can't believe that I was so concerned about stretch marks before Caleb was born! How silly that sounds to me! Now, hundreds of times I can't help but think about how ugly my shoulder looks. I will probably never wear a sleeveless top again in public, ever. I'm scared that people would see it and be grossed out. I know that I am at times when I look in the mirror. I also feel sick at physio sometimes, because they aren't talking about how we're going to "fix" my shoulder anymore, instead they talk about how we're going to have to find new ways for me to do the things I once did. I don't want to settle for anything less than what it once was! I'm sorry, but learning how to throw a ball with your opposite hand (the one that is not dominant) is not exactly easy or natural!
This all sounds pretty negative, and I hate to complain, but I thought I should be honest about how things are right now. I sometimes struggle with what to post on this blog. It would be easy to paint a pretty picture, that everything is better. Unfortunately that's not reality. I know that one day the pain and trauma will dull, and I will feel like life can be "normal" (a different normal) again, but that feels like a distant dream.
Hopefully getting some of my thoughts and feelings out into the open will help me sleep tonight, because Caleb will be waking up in a few hours! Thanks for bearing with me as I vent a little bit about life.