I Love My Exersaucer

Sorry folks... I'm not sure how to turn this video clip right side up. But it's still cute. Caleb has put in long hours in this exersaucer at my parent's house. For hours a day he jumps around in this thing. Maybe we need to get one of these at home!

January Photos

It's been awhile since I've posted, so here's some pictures from the last few weeks.

Both Caleb and I were sick during January. It made for a fun couple of weeks! The poor little guy lost his voice from too much coughing... which was actually pretty cute. He would cry, but no sound came out! Perfect for sitting in the doctor's waiting room. Everyone thought he was a quiet little boy. Little did they know!

He's been learning to drink juice from a sippy cup. So much fun.

The week that Caleb was sick, he did not really cry or fuss... he just looked at me with these sad, puppy dog eyes.

He has also started to want to drink his bottle by himself. This means formula everywhere, but a happy kid, so it's worth it!

Learning to sit all by himself. What a big boy! I can leave him playing on the floor in the living room like this for quite a while now. Every few minutes I hear him shouting because he's slumped over to one side, but he's definitely getting more stable and independent.

Smiling for the camera. Every time we go out in public people comment on how happy and smiley he is. I've started leaving him at a daycare/nursery for an hour at a time when I go to the gym to work out, and the ladies there say he just watches the other kids play and smiles the entire time. They are always so impressed with how content and happy he is. That make me one proud mama.

And finally, Caleb has started to eat solid food... something he's really enjoying. Peas, beans, sweet potatoes, peaches, rice cereal-- he seems to like it all so far!

Well I think that's it! Lots of firsts for this kid in January-- first cold, sitting, eating and drinking on his own, and going to daycare-- let's hope February is a bit more relaxing!

Getting Around... Almost

Over the past 2 weeks or so, Caleb has started to roll over! We have found Caleb to be very determined and intense when it comes to playing and moving about. He's always surprising us with how much he wants to get around. Every morning we wake up to find him in a new position or a new place in his crib. Somehow, he manages to wiggle his way over there during the night. When we have him lying on the floor, he's started arching his back, doing bridges with his head and feet to try and move around! This morning I had him lying on the area rug in our living room by the fireplace. I left for a few minutes and when I came back he was 2 feet away from starting position lying on the laminate flooring! This kid's going to be trouble.

Caleb's First Christmas

This year Caleb had a busy first Christmas. First of all, we headed down to Vancouver to spend some time with the Toews family. It was nice to just relax and hang out at the hotel, and we even went on the Christmas train at Stanley Park (I don't think Caleb enjoyed it too much-- he cried through most of it!)
Here's Caleb and I getting ready for the train ride. Wide eyed and mystified.


He got to wear his brand new peacoat from Rachelle. Lucky kid.


Auntie Kristi and Auntie Rosanna joined us on the train ride.

As soon as we got back from Vancouver we unpacked, did some laundry and then quickly repacked our suitcases because we were heading to Saskatchewan.

Caleb taking it easy, watching some TV while Mom and Dad are frantically trying to pack.

This was Caleb's first trip to the farm. I just love spending time there during the winter. It may be cold, but it's so crisp and clean. Winter on the farm also brings with it some fun activities that you just can't do in Abbotsford. My little brother had the bright idea to have races with my old car. It's pretty beat up, and was just sitting around collecting dust, so Joel took out the tractor and plowed a race track for it in the field. So, one afternoon we had time trials through the track. After getting stuck multiple times, pulling E-brake slides around the corners, and overheating the car a few times, Doug managed to pull ahead into first place, but only by 2 tenths of a second. I was close behind.

As the one and only grandchild, Caleb stole the show. He got more presents than anyone else, although he wasn't sure where to start when it came to opening them.

Who ate Grandpa's chocolate bar? I haven't seen it (says Caleb).

Caleb also got to spend some time hanging out with his Uncle Joel. After several days together he's decided that he wants to be just like him when he grows up-- since he sure is pretty cool. Lookin good Joel!

Here he is spending some time with Auntie Angie and soon to be Uncle Tyler.

Sisters reunited once again.

Caleb decided that he enjoyed playing speed scrabble. Learning to spell already.

After just over a week of fun in Saskatchewan, it was time to head home. Here's Caleb saying goodbye to Grandpa at the Airport.

Home sweet Home. We'll be back soon!

Jolly Jumper

I know, I know... it's so unlike me to post 2 days in a row! I just couldn't help it today. We've had a jolly jumper kicking around our place for a few weeks now. I put Caleb in it a while back and he didn't last more than 10 seconds before crying. Today, I thought I'd give it another try and he loved it! He's been wanting to stand for weeks now, so this was perfect for him. For over half an hour Caleb just kicked his little legs and danced around in that silly harness! I thought I'd share some of his cuteness with you all this afternoon.

What just happened?

So I'm feeding Caleb his morning bottle today, and go to burp him. All of a sudden I feel a growing "warmth" spreading all over me. I look down and find his entire 6 oz bottle, all over me, all over him, all over the couch. I thought he'd be upset, but no. He just smiled and laughed as I got my camera. What a goof. Lucky kid got a bath first thing this morning.

And now, since pictures are long overdue, here's a few shots taken over the past month or two.

Here's Caleb very intently watching the TV.

Trying on his new toque for our trip to Saskatchewan. Coming up in a week!

Grandpa and Grandma Foth playing with their grandson. Very entertaining.

Caleb with his mom (and great-grandpa snoozing in the background). Ignore my chubby cheeks (having all 4 wisdom teeth pulled will do that to you).

Here's my big boy practicing his sitting. All cleaned up from a crazy morning!

That's it for now! More pictures to come soon.

Big News...

Last night my little sister Angie called and told me something very exciting... she's getting married! Her boyfried Tyler popped the question and she said yes! Doug and I are super excited for the two of them. We love you both and can't wait to see you at Christmas!



You better watch out Ang, because the next time I see you I'll be hugging you like this! (and you're next Tyler!)

A few pictures...

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and prayers. Sometimes it's not easy being open and honest! Now, on a lighter note, here's a few pictures I snapped of Caleb this morning. He was patiently waiting for our friend Andrienne to pick us up for a day of shopping!

I know what he's thinking in these pictures... do I really have to spend the entire day shopping?

(it wasn't really that hard on him, he got to sleep most of the time!)

I Can't Sleep...

Sleep doesn't come easily these days. Tonight I lay awake, tossing and turning because:
A. My body can't rest. I can't seem to find a comfortable way to sleep with my shoulder. It always feels uncomfortable and painful when I try to sleep.
B. My mind can't rest. As much as I try to avoid it, at night my mind seems to wander to thoughts of the accident, and play over and over again the terrible moments of those days and weeks.
C. My heart can't find rest. It still feels like it's breaking every day.
Dozens of times a week people ask me how I'm doing, and to be honest I don't even know how to answer that. Even though the accident was almost 4 months ago, it still feels so fresh. Every night I still cry over what's happened. It's hard to see the world moving on and time passing, when I still feel like I'm stuck in the same place, in that one moment that changed everything. I usually love counting down to the Christmas season but this year, the ads on TV and decorations in the stores make me feel sick to my stomach. How can people be so happy at a time like this?
I told Doug tonight that I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm the empty shell of the person I used to be. Actually, even the outside shell of me isn't the same anymore! It feels like there are so many different things to deal with right now. Every day I still can't help but feel like the world is so empty without Nate in it. One moment I was sitting right behind him, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up to find out that he's gone. I can't wrap my mind around that. It's especially hard to process this and grieve, when I feel like I didn't get the chance to say goodbye with everyone else. I was trapped in the hospital while everyone else had the opportunity to mourn together. Also, as much as Caleb is a positive distraction at a time like this, I feel sick when I think about the events of his birth and how I'm going to tell him the story of his birth one day. The other night I stood over his crib and wept as I thought about the weekend he was born-- it was the worst one of my life. Honestly, no one was excited about his arrival at that time. Doug wasn't. I wasn't. We were in too much shock and pain, along with everyone else. I actually don't even remember his birth. Several weeks after the accident, I had to get Doug to tell me the story of our son's birth because I had no idea what happened those days. And also, I'm still trying to figure out how to get through life with a very different body. I can't believe that I was so concerned about stretch marks before Caleb was born! How silly that sounds to me! Now, hundreds of times I can't help but think about how ugly my shoulder looks. I will probably never wear a sleeveless top again in public, ever. I'm scared that people would see it and be grossed out. I know that I am at times when I look in the mirror. I also feel sick at physio sometimes, because they aren't talking about how we're going to "fix" my shoulder anymore, instead they talk about how we're going to have to find new ways for me to do the things I once did. I don't want to settle for anything less than what it once was! I'm sorry, but learning how to throw a ball with your opposite hand (the one that is not dominant) is not exactly easy or natural!
This all sounds pretty negative, and I hate to complain, but I thought I should be honest about how things are right now. I sometimes struggle with what to post on this blog. It would be easy to paint a pretty picture, that everything is better. Unfortunately that's not reality. I know that one day the pain and trauma will dull, and I will feel like life can be "normal" (a different normal) again, but that feels like a distant dream.
Hopefully getting some of my thoughts and feelings out into the open will help me sleep tonight, because Caleb will be waking up in a few hours! Thanks for bearing with me as I vent a little bit about life.

Fall Pictures

Last Sunday Doug, Caleb, and I went to the park across the street with Erik, Jamie, & family to snap some fall pics. We took some shots of their family and they got a few good ones of us! Here are some of my favorites from the day.


Here's Grandma with her three Grandchildren.


Such cuties. Aren't I a lucky auntie?




I think this is my favorite picture from the afternoon. What a sad face!

Here's my little man!

Well, it's week 2 of Doug being back at work. It feels a little strange to be at home with Caleb all by myself! How's it been going? Good! Caleb is such a happy and content baby. He's already sleeping through the night (most of the time), naps well during the day, and rarely fusses or cries. He's starting to smile and laugh, especially for Doug. Before the accident, I remember feeling worried about being at home taking care of a baby. I assumed it would be the most exhausting thing I'd do in my day. However, now I feel that taking care of Caleb and being a mom is easy! It's more mentally exhausting to take care of myself as I try to do things that should be simple-- like taking a shower (washing your hair with 1 hand is not easy, let me tell you), trying to do my hair one-handed, unloading the dishwasher 1 plate at a time, getting dressed... the list goes on. Oh well. You get creative and find ways get things done! I had an interesting Doctor's appointment last week. For the last few weeks I felt like there was something lodged far into my ear. One night I tried to get "it" out with my pinkie and realized that it was probably a piece of glass (it's my left ear, the one that would have been closest to the window that broke over me in the accident). I told the Doctor about it, and sure enough, he removed a pea sized piece of glass from my ear! It's crazy to think it's been in there for 3 months. I think I also found another piece that's starting to make it's way to the surface on my arm. The Doctors told me that I could have glass coming out of my arm and hands for years to come. Gross.

Well, Caleb's down for a nap, so I should probably take a shower before he wakes up! Hope you all enjoy the pictures.

One Busy Weekend...

After a busy weekend of Starbucks, breakfast at White Spot, watching Daddy play volleyball, making thai food, movie watching, playing with my cousins, hanging out with my Aunties and Uncle, I'm tired! (says Caleb) That's why I'm spending the day napping!

Thanksgiving

Usually Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the changing season, a time to celebrate with family & friends, the food, and of course the chance to reflect on God's many blessings. This was a bit of a tough weekend however, even though my sisters were out from Saskatchewan to visit us. They were a wonderful distraction, but Doug and I really struggled with thankfulness in light of everything that's happened. It's hard to be in a season of life where every joyful moment is somehow tainted by overwhelming sadness and heartache. I visited Nate's grave for the first time today. What a day.

I'm sure many of you are wondering about my shoulder and many other ailments. About 2 weeks ago I visited an orthopedic surgeon who told me I would definitely be needing more surgery on my shoulder. The X-rays he saw led him to believe that it was dislocated with several broken bones. He ordered a CT scan, which I had the following day, and then this past week I went in to see him. Surprisingly, he told me that my shoulder was no longer dislocated! Also, many of the bones that were fractured had already healed-- only one fracture has yet to heal. A miracle. That's the only explanation I can come up with. Prayers are being answered.

I know I should be happy about this-- and don't get me wrong-- I'm so relieved that I won't be needing surgery anytime soon. However, out of all the doctors I've seen this guy was the most realistic with me. He told me that I may never be able to raise my right arm above shoulder height ever again. All I could think about was how different life is going to look. No more volleyball, basketball, playing squash with Doug. I won't be able to throw a ball or play catch with Caleb. As I had thought about the possibility of having more surgery done on my shoulder before meeting with the doctor, I had the hope that they would be able to fix it to look a bit more like a normal shoulder. Now I just feel like I'm going to have to settle with what I've got right now. It's hard to look in the mirror and see how disfigured I look. In some ways I was okay with surgery because I thought they would be able to fix it-- it's appearance, and it's mobility. Now I just feel like my shoulder is the best it's going to be. So it's back to physio for me.

This Thanksgiving and over the past few weeks I've heard this line a few times: "Things could have been a lot worse. Be thankful that (fill in the blank) didn't happen." I know that people mean well when they say that, and I myself often think about what could have happened and thank God that it didn't, but honestly, I hate that line of reasoning. It downplays this experience and makes me feel like somehow I shouldn't be feeling so upset about Nate's death and frustrated by my injuries. In all honesty, life feels pretty terrible. I can't forget about what's going on in my life at this moment and be grateful about everything. What I have learned lately, is that God can accept me as I am right now. Sometimes, all I can do is say His name and breathe a "thank-you" as I hold Caleb, and that's okay. It's a strange place to be in and a difficult road to walk, but this weekend I learned that suffering and thankfulness are not mutally exclusive. They can coexist with one another. Here's how:

Caleb and his Auntie Trish.

Hanging out with Auntie Angie.

Out for a fun dinner at the Mongolie Grill.

Getting sleepy in the car on our shopping trip in Vancouver.